Okay, we really need to talk about this.
A few weeks ago I talked about restaurants being THE MOST TERRIFYING THING THAT WE HAVE ALL ACCEPTED AS OKAY, but I’m going to need to take that back.
There is something way, way worse.
No, I’m not talking about botox, escargot, or global warming. Those things are indeed terrifying, but pale in comparison to the thing we need to talk about.
And B & B’s.
And some castles.
Basically, any sleeping place where you don’t live.
(It’s INSANE when you actually think about it.)
What the actual F@#$?
You go to a strange building, let yourself in with a key, enter a room where hundreds (if not thousands of others) have been “accommodated”, remove your clothing, handle a remote control that has been touched by many others (not to mention: door handles, the telephone, light switches, blow dryer, and the in-room menu), watch some TV, and then get in a strange bed.
Here’s where it gets f-ing weird.
Other people have slept in that bed. Other people have laid their heads on that very same pillow. Other people have snuggled up in those very same blankets.
People with lice. People with halitosis. People that drool. People that leak from other body parts. People that don’t wash their undercarriage. People that have unwashed dreadlocks*. People that have weird pillow fetishes (see: Ryan Gosling pillow case). People with flaming cases of herpes.
All kinds of people… Complete and total strangers… Have all slept in that very same bed.
You know when you go into a hotel room and the sheets are tucked really tightly around the mattress, and you have to pull it loose? And sometimes you accidentally pull the sheets too hard, and you catch a glimpse of the mattress… And your humanity slaps you right in the face (I like to compare it with a near-death experience), and you realize how insignificant you are, and how we are all just a collection of atoms, and how that mattress has seen some things**.
FYI: here is what’s living in hotel mattresses: skin cells, human hair, bodily secretions, fungi, bacteria, dust, dust mites, lint, insect parts, pollen, cosmetics… and more.
[insert barf emoji]
How do you know that these total and complete strangers haven’t licked the remote? You don’t.
How do you know that these total and complete strangers haven’t put the remote control in their bodies? You don’t.
Apparently, the first facilities offering accommodation to travelers were in ancient Greco-Roman culture and ancient Persia. Japan’s Nishiyama Onsen Keiunkan, established 705, was recognized by the Guinness World Records as the oldest hotel in the world.
So this disgusting nonsense has been going on for quite some time.
How are you okay with this? It’s not, not, NOT*** okay.
I mean, IF it’s a brand new hotel, and you’re the first one staying there, and it’s 5+ stars, and you brought a blue light to check, and you know for a fact that the workers that built the hotel didn’t sneak a nap in the bed, and you know the proprietor, and the hotel has hospital-quality ventilation and purification… Then maybe.
But if not, wtf?
* I stand corrected on dreadlocks. Apparently they are cleaner than regular hair IF washed regularly.
** You don’t want to f%$#ing know.
** Triple negative bringing it around back to being a refutation.