The Resolutions

As the clock strikes 12, and you raise your glass to a new year, your head swims.

Like everyone else, you think this year will be different than all subsequent years. It’s 2010 after all, different than 2009 and certainly different than 2008, 2007, 2006, and the dismal year that was 2005.

This is the year you will lose your love handles, stop smoking while drinking, stop drinking while smoking, get out of debt, and find an attractive mate. Obviously, easily attainable and realistic resolutions are best. You are committed to change.

Step one: Lose the love handles. Wonderful for loving, yes, but you’d like to look good in a wedding dress. If, you manage to find an attractive mate and entice him into a proposal.

You will start running. In fact, you are going to get up first thing in the morning and buy yourself a brand new pair of runners, the kind with air right inside them. The kind that practically run for themselves. You will also need some fashionable workout wear. You will buy some yoga pants. The kind that you can wear anywhere, even work. You will also need to buy some cushiony socks, a headband, and a waterproof, breathable, zip-up, rain jacket. You will also buy yourself a new ipod. After all, you are investing in your health.

Step two: Stop smoking while drinking. It stains your teeth and leaves you smelling like an ashtray. You’ll chew gum instead. Easy.

Step three: Stop drinking while smoking. You’ll be chewing gum so the temptation to drink will be minimal. Stop buying six-packs, start working on your six-pack.

Step four: Get out of debt. You will look at want versus need and curb all unnecessary spending. You will make a budget and follow it to the number. You will freeze your credit card in a block of ice.

You will have to budget for those running shoes. You will not be able to afford them this month, as you are paying off Christmas debt. You will buy them in February. You will buy the yoga pants in March. The cushiony socks, headband, and rain jacket in April. The ipod you will buy now, as the sales are really too good to pass up.

Step five: Find a rich, elderly, yet attractive mate and entice him into a proposal. You will need to frequent places where rich men assemble: golf courses, banks, ski resorts, yacht clubs, and 5-star hotel bars. Any costs associated with finding a rich, elderly, yet attractive mate is an investment in your future, and should be looked upon as such. You will need to buy an ice pick to free up your payment options.

Should step five be successfully consummated, steps one through four will be subsequently accomplished. It will have been one successful year.

Cheers to that!

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