The New

Out with the old, in with the new. That’s what they say, and what they mean is that when things become old, they are not worth keeping. They should be traded in for a newer and better version. This model sets the standard in all avenues of life.

For instance, if your wife isn’t pulling her weight, if she refuses your advances, if she’s getting thick around the middle, if she never did learn to cook, or her age is showing: get rid of her. Trade up!

You could easily find a new wife! One who would appreciate you; one who would do anything for you; one who would find you irresistible; and one who maintains her taught, young body. And who really cares if she doesn’t know how to cook?

Some people consider the tearing down of an old building a travesty, while others like to stay current. Hardwood floors, decorative wallpaper, crown mouldings are so 1910. It’s not as though the architect of the house would feel bad or insulted that you didn’t like the house he built. So why not tear down an old, decrepit building to make room for a better one? And while you’re at it, why not have a surgeon cut into your face to make room for a better one?

Out with the old: Your giant hook nose, your saggy jaw line, your lack of facial symmetry, your Neanderthal hairline, your flabby stomach, your varicose veins, and your fat a**. In with the new: Jennifer Grey nose, regal jaw line, symmetrical face, manageable hairline, six-pack, nice pegs, and a nice, firm bottom.

It is not as though people who get plastic surgery are insulting their Creator or suggesting that God didn’t do a good job. They just don’t like what God did. It’s not as though God feels bad or insulted that you didn’t like the nose he gave you, or the breasts, or the teeth. Do you really think God has an opinion about you just because took the time to knit you together in your mother’s womb? Please.

That nose is old. You are so over it. You want a new one. And those breasts are so yesterday: deflated and sad. You’ve had them for like, twenty years. And your teeth are old and yellow, and they can just knock them all out to make room for veneers. What’s the big deal?

What? Are you really supposed to keep things forever? Your Honda Civic was like four years old before you traded it in for a newer model. It didn’t have air conditioning. Hello! It gets hot in the summer.

Times change. It wouldn’t be okay to still sport a mullet or spiral perm or the Flock of Seagulls haircut in the year 2010. Styles change. It’s the same as keeping the same wife or husband for more than a few years. People change. Things aren’t supposed to last forever. That’s why they sell new noses and stuff. Hello!

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