The Husband

Marriage can be a wonderful thing, if you marry the right man. But you have to be careful in your decision. There are two types of men: those who are considered “marriage material”, and those who are not.

The first category is comprised of men with jobs, a checking account, and a family that is traceable. These are the kind of men who wear sensible shoes and have all their own teeth. They say they want children, and not in the way that could lead to a jail sentence.

The second category is comprised of men with thick necks, a mermaid tattoo, and a criminal record. These are the type of men who wear a beeper and sunglasses at all times. They disappear for hours at a time, claiming they have to go to the Laundromat.

The second category can never turn into “marriage material”, even if they say they have changed, and you feel like you really “know them” because you’ve been exchanging letters for months on

Some women are very anxious to commit, so they will overlook the problems in the relationships in order to settle down. Instead of talking to their partner about their “issues” with pornography, video games, or alcohol, they pretend like they don’t exist in order to avoid confrontation.

The woman begins planning the wedding, hoping that those pesky little issues will fall to the wayside once they say, “I do”. She decides on the colour of the bridesmaid’s dresses, the flower arrangements, the salmon appetizer. Meanwhile, her husband-to-be is at home playing “Grand Theft Auto” in his jogging pants, and drinking orange juice straight from the carton.

Some relationships are not meant to be. The compatibility is not there, yet people fight for disastrous relationships. They want to prove something to their friends and family. She wants to prove that people can change, as in: she can change him; and he wants to prove that he can “have it both ways”, whatever that means. In ten years they want to say, “They said it wouldn’t last” like Whitney and Bobby.

What she doesn’t realize is that if she looked a little harder and was patient, she could have: a man who takes out the garbage without being asked, a man who hands you the remote control when you enter the room, a man who brings you a cup of tea in the morning, a man who rubs your shoulders with you’re sitting at the computer, a man who hangs your coat up when you get home, a man who says, “aw, honey” when you’ve had a bad day, a man who doesn’t even like video games, a man who will let you have the last bite, a man who makes the bed every morning, a man who you can laugh with…

You know, the kind of man you want to marry.


3 thoughts on “The Husband

  1. Barbara Billingsley says:

    Nice piece.

    “Real husband material” pulls up your pants for you when you can’t.

    Also, Kim, are you writing this in anticipation of Seinfeld’s “the Marriage Ref”?

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