The month of February is lame. It can’t decide whether it has 28 or 29 days, confusing everyone. There are zero statutory holidays during the month of February, which means no statutory holiday pay and no long weekends. It is a dark, dull, depressing month that boasts several lame, made-up holidays that mean nothing.
Groundhog Day is a joke. This holiday is celebrated every year on February 2nd. It is not a real holiday and not worth celebrating, which is why the rest of the world doesn’t celebrate it. According to the myth, if the groundhog emerges from his burrow and sees his shadow, he or she will return to his or her burrow for another six weeks. If the groundhog doesn’t see his shadow he will leave the burrow, signifying that winter will end soon. Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume that if the groundhog emerges from his burrow and sees his shadow that the sun is shining? Apparently the groundhog doesn’t see it that way. The fact is that rodent wouldn’t know a shadow from his hole, so why should we believe him?
And then there’s Valentine’s Day, a day created by greeting card companies to increase their profit margins. You are expected to express and profess your love (or like) through mass-produced paper products. You are expected to buy your lover (or liker) flowers and candy, take them out for a candle-lit dinner (don’t even think about turning on the lights), and initiate romantic entanglements. You are expected to buy sexy lingerie to make your partner go gaga. Personally I prefer to pay the phone bill.
Now that we’ve discounted “the holidays” we can turn our attention to February’s other inadequacies. Like, how it’s a short month. It is three days shorter than January, March, May, July, August, October, and December and two days shorter than April, June, September, and November. I pay my rent by the month, and there are many other bills that are also charged per month, and yet you never get a discount for February!
The month of February can’t even compete with its birthstone, as Amethyst is no longer considered a real gemstone, it’s a quartz variety: a common rock that has little or no value. It’s not like the month of April with its valuable and desired birthstone, the diamond.
And if your birthday is in February, I’m sorry. I’m sure you never get the crowd you anticipate out to your birthday party; as most people hibernate with a blanket, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and the remote control. It’s a sad fact that people who have birthdays in July have well-attended parties and turn out to be secure and well-adjusted individuals. The same cannot be said for those born in February.
And February can’t even make up for its shortcomings with its weather, as February always equals rain. If you leave the house without an umbrella this month, good luck! Bad hair day? Try bad hair month.
Come on March, make your entrance!