The Nickname

I’ve heard them all: Spanky Manky, Hanky Panky Manky, The Mankanator, The Manx, Monkey Manky and the “Manky wife”, which in the UK means I’m unpleasant, unpleasantly dirty, and generally disgusting; which I assure you, I’m not. I’m actually quite a pleasant person who happens to have had a multitude of names nicked or nicknames over my nearly 31 years of life.

I’m sympathetic to those who were given an unfortunate nickname early on that stuck, because once you are stuck with one, its damn near impossible to shake it. You can go your whole life being called A.J. when your real name is Alison Joy. People will treat someone called A.J. far more casually than Alison or Alison Joy. They will never get the respect they deserve.

Sure, there are some nicknames that are terms of endearment: Snookie, Honey, Darling, Schmoopy, Snuggles, Cuddle Bunny, Pumpkin, Love Bug, Precious, Sweetie, Lamb Chop, Muffin Top, Sunshine, Ducky, Angel, Phat Ass, Pookie, Sweet Cheeks, Peach Fuzz, Baby Doll, Hot Mama, Handsome, Precious Peach Pony, Monkey Bear, Sugar, Sugar Daddy, Stud Muffin, Prawn Cocktail, Hot Lips, Beefcake, and my personal favourite: Boo.

Who among us can resist the dulcet tones of our lover when he or she calls to us, “Can you get me another beer, Sweet Cheeks?” Or “Pass me a towel, Love Bug” Or, “Would you mind taking out the trash for once, Phat Ass”. Note to lovers: Be sure you are specific about the spelling because P H means Phat, but an F just means Fat.

But there is another side to nicknames; the side where naming names is a form of ridicule and rejection: “Four Eyes”, is presumably meant for people who wear spectacles, but considering there are so many of us it might be wise to come up with something more specific; “Brace Face” is perfect for those who are trying to correct their smiles; “Fatty” or “Fatso” is perfect for those of us who tend to indulge, every time; “Dweeb”, “Nerd”, “Geek”, and “Melvin” all mean much the same thing, they are used when someone is intimidated by another’s intelligence; “Dillweed”, which doesn’t really make sense because dill is delicious, and not a weed; “Asswipe”, which is just plain mean, because I think it means that you are being compared to something used for cleaning your hind quarters; “Douchebag”, which has similar connotations to “Asswipe” in that both are used for hygiene purposes; “Butthead”, which means you’ve got a bum where your head should be, and that’s near impossible. Generally speaking, anything with weed, bag, or head as a suffix should be taken as an insult.

If you have a nickname, be grateful that somebody thought enough about you to rename you. It’s a form of acceptance after all.

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