My Aunt lives in a seven-story apartment building on the East side of town. There’s a Starbucks on the ground floor, which she frequents for her Tall, non-fat, no-whip, double-caf latte. She told me that it’s, “Just like Friends” and that she’s “definitely Rachel”. My Uncle stays upstairs in the apartment and brews his own coffee. At first he was upset about my Aunt’s expenditures, but then he realized that if she was downstairs at the Starbucks, she wasn’t upstairs in the apartment with him.
My Aunt called me last week to tell me about an illegal alien that moved in next door. I asked My Aunt how she knew he was an alien. She said she wasn’t “for sure, for sure, but pretty sure”. My Aunt said she just gets these feelings and that I should take them seriously, because once she had a dream that her and my Uncle were going to hit a moose on a road trip, and then they did.
I asked my Aunt what my Uncle thought of all this. She said that he has no clue about anything. She said she curses at him every night while he’s watching television to see if he’ll respond. He never does. She once told him about an affair she had in the 1980s with their accountant while he was watching the evening news. She said her conscience was clear. She had told him, and it wasn’t her problem if he didn’t listen.
My Aunt said she watched the illegal alien move his things in last Monday. She said the “alien” was “alone” and “moved his heavy boxes as though they were light”. I asked my Aunt if perhaps the boxes were light. She said “don’t be silly”. She said the alien made no noise whatsoever during the day, but made continuous thumping noises all night. She said it all sounded very suspicious.
My Aunt told me that she finally had to call the authorities last week to report all the “suspicious activity”. She said she was wandering the halls in the middle of the night when she heard several thumps and then saw a flash of light coming from the alien’s apartment. She said she tried to look through the alien’s peephole but couldn’t see anything. She said she pressed her ear to the alien’s door for half an hour but couldn’t hear anything, so she went to her apartment to get a glass and then she held the glass to the door for another ten minutes.
When she came back to her own apartment the door was locked, but she didn’t remember locking it, which was also very suspicious. She knocked and knocked, but apparently my Uncle never heard anything, so she had a “little snooze in the hall”.
My Aunt said the alien wakened her. He tapped her on the shoulder and offered her use of his telephone. She said she was startled and wasn’t sure if she should go with him, but she felt she had no other option. She said she quickly phoned my Uncle, and then attempted to leave. She said the alien stopped her and said if she ever needed to borrow “a cup of sugar”, to come on over.
She said she knows for sure he’s an alien because he had a book on his coffee table titled, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and she heard the Starbucks barista say that he was.
“There, are you satisfied?”