The Letter

Dear Members of the Academy,

How are you? I’m fine, though a little worse for wear after three bottles of Apricot Ale and way too many Doritos.

I watched the Oscars last night. Everybody looked really nice and sparkly. Thanks for not bringing the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants out this year. That always puts me right to sleep.

I watched the broadcast with some friends, some of whom worked on the sci-fi thriller District 9 and were hopeful that their film would be recognized. It wasn’t, but it’s fine, you made up for it with the John Hughes tribute and seeing Ferris Bueller all grown up.

Um, how shall I put this? Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin co-hosting the Awards? Separate: Hilarious. Charming. Handsome. Together: Not funny. Awkward. Ugly. I can’t explain this phenomenon, but I think it might be better off for everyone if you nix the co-hosting for the 83rd broadcast and hire one or the other.

Avatar won for Cinematography, Art Direction and Visual Effects, and I don’t blame you for throwing a few awards its way. The technology really is quite astounding, and it is one of, if not the highest grossing film of all time. You threw it a bone, and I understand.

I wasn’t impressed with the acceptance speech of Sandy Powell, the winner of Best Costume Design for The Young Victoria. The first thing she said was, “I already have two of these at home”. Talk about ungrateful. If I was you, and I’m not, I would have snatched that award back and given her a partying gift. I don’t condone violence but: a knuckle sandwich anyone?

The movie Up won for Best Animated Feature Film, which is great. Everyone I’ve talked to says that it melted their dark, dark hearts and they felt forever changed from seeing it, and I think that’s the whole point of paying $10 to see a movie.

I think you were right in giving the award for Best Documentary Feature for The Cove. I haven’t seen that one either, but the adorable and child-like Fisher Stevens was a Producer. I know you giving him the Oscar was really a shout out for Short Circuit, and I don’t blame you in the least.

The Hurt Locker won six Oscars (Best Picture, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Film Editing, Original Screenplay, Best Director), and I’m not questioning your judgement but it is the lowest-grossing best picture ever nominated. That’s all I’m saying. However, I am glad that Kathryn Bigelow won for Best Director simply because she won over the ever-smug James Cameron, who happens to be her ex-husband. Oh, snap!

I haven’t actually watched any of the nominated films, so I will have to take your word that Jeff Bridges was Best Actor for Crazy Heart, Christoph Waltz was Best Supporting Actor for Inglorious Basterds, and Monique was Best Supporting Actress for Precious. From the ten-second clips, I’d say that were all doing some real, smell-the-fart type acting.

Now, to the real reason I’m writing.

Last night I was upset with you. Very upset. And then I wondered if you were joking, or if this was sort of sick, perverse game you were playing. You know what I’m talking about… Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress for The Blind Side. Are you joking? Was that a prank? Is Miss Bullock providing kickbacks for you, members of the Academy?

The nominees were a mixed bag of old-timers, Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren, and newcomer nominees: Gabourey Sidibe and Carey Mulligan, both appearing to have done some pretty serious acting for their roles inPush: by Sapphire and An Education, respectively.

While I haven’t actually seen The Blind Side ( and I never will), I have seen Miss Congeniality, and Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Dangerous, and I did not see this one coming. The Blind Side is a made-for-TV movie that somehow became an Oscar contender? Have you taken to sniffing glue?

Sandra Bullock died her hair blonde, picked up a How to Speak with a Southern Accent cassette tape at the local Walgreens, and somehow made it on the ballot.

The Oscars used to mean something. They used to be about talent, passion, and Marlon Brando.

Now, to be clear: if the award is based not on the actual talent for the craft of acting, but rather the allocation of blonde wigs and acrylic nails, Sandra Bullock is indeed the obvious choice.

Academy, I urge you: Wake from your slumber. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid. Come to your senses. Let this, the 82nd Annual Academy Awards be a lesson to us all. Never let the wigs and the nails fool you into thinking it a worthy performance.

Now spank yourself twice.

Love, Kim

P.S. Dame Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep should really have their own category, and the Academy should alternate between them. Think about it.

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