The Unibrow

Eyebrows really only have two jobs: protecting the eye and contributing to human communication through movement. We all know there’s nothing more condescending or insulting than a raised and furrowed brow. Some of us rely heavily on this communication method, saving us the time and energy of explaining to your husband why wet towels don’t ever go on the floor, why leaving an empty toilet tissue roll on the spool doesn’t work for you, or why using your special expensive shampoo for shaving isn’t cool. One brow raised to an appropriate level. He will get the picture.

Eyebrows are also useful when your husband has planned a surprise party for you, and because he’s not so great at keeping secrets when you asked him straight out if he was planning something for you, he said yes, even though he should have said “no” and you probably would have believed him. Then you had to spend at least two hours perfecting your “surprised face” in the mirror. It was then you realised that you rely heavily on your eyebrows.

And maybe your eyebrows won’t save your mascara from a torrential downpour, but they can save you from getting shampoo in your eyes on occasion.

What I’m saying is this: Eyebrows are wonderful. But like everything (ice cream, chocolate, French fries and/or freedom fries, cocktails, potato chips, draft beer, soda pop, pets, donuts, sun exposure, and Tylenol 3), they are best enjoyed in moderation.

That is: neat, trim, tidy.

So, what makes a man think that growing one large “unibrow” instead of maintaining two reasonable-sized brows is a good idea? This is certainly unnecessary, unnatural and unattractive. More importantly, it does not allow the eyebrows (notice: plural) to do their work.

Eyebrows really only have the two jobs, and considering we’ve all had shampoo in our eyes, they really need to come through on facial expressions in order for us to want to keep them on our faces.

Note: Some people get so frustrated with their brows they shave them right off and drawn them in with a pencil for an, “I lost my cat” sort of downtrodden look. Or: “I matched all six numbers in the Lotto jackpot” sort of upbeat or jubilant look. For either expression, two “brows” are required.

One big brow doesn’t say much. Sure, a unibrow might keep shampoo, conditioner, dust particles, pollen, insects, sweat, rain, and mucus out of their eyes, but no one will be able to tell if they are happy or sad or confused or frustrated or surprised or angry or excited about it. And that’s the important thing: Knowing.

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3 thoughts on “The Unibrow

  1. kimber says:

    If I were every to be on ‘Survivor’, the one modern luxury I would take with me would be my tweezers, because without them, I would have the same eyebrow as Sesame Street’s Bert — a singular, dark, fuzzy caterpillar crawling over both my eyes. Left to its own devices, my face would sport a unibrow.

    I’m missing you, and I can’t wait to introduce you to Linus! I guess we’ll just have to come to London…. *wink*

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