So it’s almost Christmas and I’m going to send my Grandfather a copy of my book OH NO YOU DIDN’T.
I know what you’re thinking… “What are you thinking? Your grandfather is a minister and is very tight with the Lord and you probably shouldn’t send him a book with content that could definitely be considered inappropriate”.
You are correct.
Grandpa would be horrified to learn about my shoplifting, my wishing ill on an ailing, old, Japanese man, and my inappropriate erotic, physical feelings toward grunge rocker Eddie Vedder – Not to mention the curse words: two f-bombs, an a$$hole, an a$$wipe, one douche-bag, a smattering of “hells” (and a partridge in a pear tree).
I am definitely between a rock and a hard place (which are both hard places). A “rock and a hard place” is a metaphor for being in a dilemma or situation with two equally objectionable outcomes. I’m nowhere near any rocks or hard places. I’m actually sitting comfortably at my kitchen table.
The reason I am between a rock and a hard place is that on one hand Grandpa would be proud to learn that his favourite Granddaughter (I’m definitely the favourite) published a book and I’m sure he would like to read it… But on the other hand, he would definitely not approve of the content.
So, here I sit in my kitchen – using Wite-Out to omit certain words and using an X-Acto knife to trim out entire chapters… like, “Stories That Might Suggest That I’m Not a Good Person (When in Fact I’m a Very Good Person)”.
It’s called Bowdlerizing, and it means removing or modifying parts of a text considered vulgar of offensive.
The term “bowdlerize” comes from Thaomas Bowdler (1754-1825), an English physician who published a collection of Shakespeare’s work that had been edited to be more suitable for women and children.
The problem I have with this process is that as I bowdlerize my book… I’m finding that there’s not much left.
172 pages of brilliant verisimilitude (if I don’t mind saying so myself – and I don’t)
– several curse words
– entire inappropriate chapters
– images considered by some to be risqué
= 16 pages of disjointed, puzzling nonsense
A girl (that writes slightly inappropriate content) has to do, what a girl has to do.
It makes a great Christmas present (for anyone but my Grandfather).