The Bowdlerization

So it’s almost Christmas and I’m going to send my Grandfather a copy of my book OH NO YOU DIDN’T.

I know what you’re thinking… “What are you thinking? Your grandfather is a minister and is very tight with the Lord and you probably shouldn’t send him a book with content that could definitely be considered inappropriate”.

You are correct.

I can’t.

Grandpa would be horrified to learn about my shoplifting, my wishing ill on an ailing, old, Japanese man, and my inappropriate erotic, physical feelings toward grunge rocker Eddie Vedder – Not to mention the curse words: two f-bombs, an a$$hole, an a$$wipe, one douche-bag, a smattering of “hells” (and a partridge in a pear tree).

I am definitely between a rock and a hard place (which are both hard places). A “rock and a hard place” is a metaphor for being in a dilemma or situation with two equally objectionable outcomes. I’m nowhere near any rocks or hard places. I’m actually sitting comfortably at my kitchen table.

The reason I am between a rock and a hard place is that on one hand Grandpa would be proud to learn that his favourite Granddaughter (I’m definitely the favourite) published a book and I’m sure he would like to read it… But on the other hand, he would definitely not approve of the content.

So, here I sit in my kitchen – using Wite-Out to omit certain words and using an X-Acto knife to trim out entire chapters… like, “Stories That Might Suggest That I’m Not a Good Person (When in Fact I’m a Very Good Person)”.

It’s called Bowdlerizing, and it means removing or modifying parts of a text considered vulgar of offensive.

The term “bowdlerize” comes from Thaomas Bowdler (1754-1825), an English physician who published a collection of Shakespeare’s work that had been edited to be more suitable for women and children.

The problem I have with this process is that as I bowdlerize my book… I’m finding that there’s not much left.

172 pages of brilliant verisimilitude (if I don’t mind saying so myself – and I don’t)

– several curse words

– entire inappropriate chapters

– images considered by some to be risqué


= 16 pages of disjointed, puzzling nonsense

A girl (that writes slightly inappropriate content) has to do, what a girl has to do.

FYI – the unabridged, unbowdlerized version is available on and

It makes a great Christmas present (for anyone but my Grandfather).



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