The A$$hole

For those of you who don’t know who Wayne Newton is… Wayne Newton is an American singer and entertainer, perhaps best known for the song, “Danke Schoen”, which was featured in the best scene of the best movie of all time, ever… Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Apparently, he’s an a$$hole.

Not Ferris… Wayne.

You may remember the time when I sat in the front row at a Martin Short show and he gyrated in my face while wearing a nude bodystocking with drawn-on genitals, and how it was one of the highlights of my life thus far…

But what I didn’t tell you about that evening (aside from pretending to be “with” a group of people with backstage passes, and then – much to my husband’s dismay – following that same group of people backstage, and only upon entering the green room deciding that I had perhaps taken my Marty fandom too far, and so – to avoid a security incident – pretended to be lost and looking for the women’s restroom)… was that the woman sitting behind us was very vocal about her dislike for Mr. Las Vegas (Wayne Newton).

When the discussion turned to Wayne Newton (as it often does), the woman said flatly: “He’s an A$$hole.”

I had to turn around. I had to find out who was making this declaration for all (within earshot) to hear.

She was amazing: gray-hair piled up on top of her head, costume jewelry that wasn’t even trying to be real, mauve press-on nails, and a sweatshirt that read, “I don’t want to. I don’t have to. You can’t make me. I’m retired” across her bosom.

Her friends were visibly upset by this comment, mouths agape, shaking their similarly adorned heads.

The woman explained… “I went to a Wayne Newton show, and during the banter portion of the show I shouted, ‘I love you Wayne.’ Wayne said he loved me too, and then continued on with the banter. I then shouted, ‘Sorry to hear about your bankruptcy,’ because I was. I was sorry to hear that he’s filed for Chapter 11… Wayne then turned to me and told me to ‘be quiet’. He said it was his show, not mine. Can you believe that guy? What an a$$hole.”

I turned to my husband and gave him a look. The look that say it all. The look that says, the only a$$hole around here is sitting behind me, tapping her press-on nail on my chair.



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