The Oral Agreement

So my husband and I have an oral agreement, and by that I mean it’s a written agreement about what I am allowed to do “orally” with Eddie Vedder.

We lovingly refer to it as the “Ed Ved Agreement.”

I mean, it’s important to have such an oral agreement written out, agreed upon and notarized should I become his pen pal, should our paths cross one afternoon in a sleepy Seattle suburb while he walks his aging Labrador dog… Basically, the oral agreement means that should I “run into” Eddie at some point and the sexual tension be so potent that we cannot resist each other (orally) I can follow through.

And I should probably explain what I mean by “oral”… smooching, tongue-kissing, tonsil hockey, “making out,” some light canoodling, and other slobbery stuff with our mouths, lips, tongues, and teeth.

Obviously there would be no intercourse, no hands stuff, and no emotional intimacy.

Before we got married, I said to my husband, “Husband, I have strong feelings for Eddie Vedder. If I ever met him, would it be okay if I made out with him?”

And the husband (being very conciliatory) said, “Sure, as long as it doesn’t go any further than that.”

And then I said, “Mind if I get that in writing?”

You’re probably thinking, “Why on God’s green earth would you ever want to kiss anyone else when you have such a wonderful relationship with your loving and hunky husband?”

The answer is simple. Ed Ved was my first crush, and I still feel funny* in my body when I see him.

You’re probably also thinking, “Do you and your husband have an oral agreement about anyone else?”


You’re probably also wondering, “Does it work both ways?”

If you’re referring to an oral agreement that my husband has had written up and notarized, then the answer is also yes.

Fair is fair. 

If Rhys ever meets Pat Beneath at a bar, or “run into her” while parking his car, or become her trusted advisor, he’s allowed to do whatever he wants with her, orally.


And I get it.


* not “ha ha” funny.

One thought on “The Oral Agreement

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