It was an accident, really.
I would never purposefully proposition Jimmy Kimmel.
It’s not that I don’t find him attractive. I definitely do. And who wouldn’t? He’s a very handsome man, and he’s very funny which makes him six times (fact) more handsome than he already is (which is already very, very handsome).
It all started one sunny Thursday afternoon. We had tickets to Jimmy Kimmel Live, which is filmed in front of a live studio audience in the sketchiest part of Hollywood. As we lined up outside the El Capitan Theatre, we were excited to see Jimmy and whatever celebrity guest he had on, and we were also a little scared (to be stabbed by one of the hundreds of superhero and film star impersonators that line Sunset Boulevard, and pose for photos with tourists, and then get very angry when they don’t give them a dollar, and just start stabbing).
I was relieved when we finally filed into the theatre and were directed to our seats. A few minutes later, Jimmy Kimmel himself walked into the studio and started bantering with the crowd. He asked if anyone had any questions, and not a single audience member put up their hand. Not one person. It was extremely awkward.
Full disclosure: I was embarassed for him. He’s a celebrity, and celebrities aren’t used to being ignored. He obviously sought out a life of fame because he has deep-rooted insecurities about being “good enough” and has a buttload of “mother issues,” so it was really hard to see him being treated with such disdain by a group of strangers**.
So I put up my hand.
And when he saw my hand, a look of relief spread over his face (obviously, he could once again supress his insecurities and self-doubt), and he said, “Yes miss?”
I stood up, and cleared my throat, “Are you single?”
The audience started wooing and clapping, as though I was propositioning Jimmy Kimmel!
(First of all, how dare they? Second of all, I’m a journalist – to some extent – and I was just trying to get the “inside scoop” for People magazine. And no, People magazine hadn’t asked me to get said scoop, but that’s not the point. I was trying to be helpful. Information is power.)
Jimmy smiled. “Are you asking for yourself?”
“No,” I said, and then I pointed to my husband, who was sitting next to me. The audience immediately erupted into laughter and wooing.
You see, I was trying to tell Jimmy that I was with the man next to me, but Jimmy (and the rest of the studio audience) thought that I was asking for the man next to me.
Jimmy said that while he appreciated the proposition, he was engaged to be married, to a woman.
Obviously, there was never really a “proposition.” I would never purposefully proposition Jimmy Kimmel.
And it’s not because Jimmy Kimmel isn’t handsome. He obviously is extremely handsome, and very funny, and rich beyond my wildest dreams… And he probably has a large swimming pool. Anybody would be lucky to be joined in holy matrimony with that hunk of a man.
But the fact is that I’m married.
* It always does.
** Athough strangers are really just “friends you haven’t met yet,” aren’t they?
(Unless they are superhero and film star impersonators that want to stab you.)